I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
