Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
