Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
