i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
