I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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