Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
