Umm I'm too high to move.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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