Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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