I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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