is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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