I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
