the new term for farting is butt boxing.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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