Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize