Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
