she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
