two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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