Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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