I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm gonna fight the coyote
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
