i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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