i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
