I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
