well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
