I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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