just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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