Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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