Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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