when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
