She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
