All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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