Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
