garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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