remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
