Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize