I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
