I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
