I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
