when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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