turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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