If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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