She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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