Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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