I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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