bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
