Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
