Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
