Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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