I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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