gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
