The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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