I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
