The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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