Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Sext me about skeletons
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
