Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
