is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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