I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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