I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
