I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I skipped work to stalk him.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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