you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
