I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
