just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
