it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
