Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
