Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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