I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
