I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
