My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
