Pants 0. Shit 1.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize