just tell him i said nine months
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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