I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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