Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
