it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
