I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
