that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My bed smells like the plague
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
