i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
