also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
